Work with Loneliness Mindfully
In a world increasingly beset with loneliness, how can I work with it, mindfully?
Why am I lonely?
The world health organisation has declared loneliness an epidemic. Despite our ever-growing interconnectedness, individuals feel more isolated and alone than ever before. This problem has caught the attention of many, including Channel News Asia, who ran a short, two-part documentary about loneliness. As part of the documentary, I was interviewed about how mindfulness could tackle loneliness. As a Certified Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) teacher, I shared about how mindfulness could help people feel less alone and disconnected.
Guided meditation in the 8-week MBSR Class (Screengrab from CNA)
This loneliness phenomenon is not new. It has been noted since all the way back in 2012, in the book Alone Together, by Sherry Turkle. Turkle noticed that superficial online interactions were pushing out deep, real-life ones, leading to increased feelings of isolation and the erosion of empathy and social skills. Without deep connections, individuals felt disconnected from the people around them, leading to the feeling of being ‘alone, together’.
In describing the loneliness problem, Turkle hints at its solution: building deep connections. Yet it is a skill that eludes most modern humans. We are so caught up in our jobs, our chores, our phones, that we leave no time for our friends and family. Everyone feels a need for companionship and deep relationships, but few actually understand that need and how to fulfil it.
I know I am lonely, what can I do about it?
If you are asking this question, then you have taken the first step towards getting rid of your loneliness. You are now aware of the disconnect that exists within your life. From a mindfulness perspective, feeling disconnected arises from a lack of awareness of your feelings and values, as well as a lack of agency in how you relate to them and fulfilling your needs. Now that you are aware of the problem and your lack of agency, it is time to start building up your ability to take control of your life.
Being mindful can help us tackle the mental obstacles that stop us from forming deep, meaningful connections with others. These obstructions can take the form of rumination over past experiences, negative self-talk or feelings of unworthiness. Being aware of the way we treat ourselves can loosen the grip of such negative feelings on our emotional state, and free us to pursue relationships. Part of being mindful is understanding that loneliness is a common human experience, and that it does not mean that we are unworthy of love or friendship. Deep down, we can wrestle with questions like “Am I lonely because I deserve it?”, “Am I lonely because there is something wrong with me?” or even “Am I lonely because I am unlovable?”. No. We are lonely because it is a natural occurrence on our journey of life. Loneliness is like rain. We don’t have to stand in the open and get soaked - we have the power to open an umbrella to block the stinging cold of rain.
Take the time to step away from your phones and your fears, and show yourself some compassion. Break the cycle of over-stimulation and allow yourself to rest. When we are so caught up in the stresses of modern day living, we can let negative emotions fester in the back of our minds, ready to consume us the moment something bad happens in the day. When we give ourselves time to practise mindfulness, we learn to identify these negative emotions that are stopping us from fulfilling our need for deep, meaningful connection. When we feel like having a coffee with a friend, do not let self-deprecating thoughts stop you from reaching out. When we feel like we need to talk to a friend about our lives, do not let the fear of appearing weak squash that desire. Take back control of your life by being aware of how these negative thoughts tend to swoop in and tell you that you are not worth it.
I know I need to be more mindful, but how do I do it?
Mindfulness discourse on the internet can seem very abstract, or generic. Most resources do not concentrate on the outcomes, but on the process, but even that can seem hard to fathom. It is not that mindfulness teachers are purposely being vague, but it is just the nature of mindfulness that is hard to pin down with words. Mindfulness is an experience of “being fully present with your body and your emotions”. Without experiencing that for yourself first, it is hard to understand what those words mean. There are exercises and courses that you can learn from, be it a website, YouTube video or online seminar. But for a guided experience, there is nothing better than an in-person session with a trained mindfulness teacher.
Such experiences can take the form of classes, personal mentoring, or even a silent retreat. During such experiences, the trained teacher can help guide you through the processes of re-acquainting yourself with your thoughts and feelings. Where words on a page fail, the expertise and experience of a teacher shines through. During a guided silent retreat, the teacher knows how to support participants should strong emotions arise. Often, this comes from the individual or small group “interviews” during the retreats — providing the chance to discuss your practice, ask questions, and receive personalised guidance.
But how can I be less lonely by being alone?
In a conducive environment set up for a multi-day residential silent meditation, for examples, you do not have to be concerned with what to eat next, what clothes to wear, what grocery to buy next, or plan for the needs of others, or attend to the phone/computer that is frequently buzzing. Without the habitual distractions, we can see the patterns of our thoughts more clearly. This clarity allows us to make decisions from a place of wisdom rather than reactivity.
Mindfulness can turn ‘being alone’ into a state of solitude, where there is the opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Rather focusing on potential negative reasons that you might be alone in the moment, being mindful means you choose to be intentional in each moment, seeing unhealthy mental activities and adopting skilful responses such as letting thoughts come and go on their own, engage in mindful breathing, or mindfully perform a physical activity such as walking in nature. Learning how to deeply connect to your inner self when alone reduces the grip of loneliness on us. Make it a habit to turn moments of fear and self-judgement into nourishing experiences.
Silent retreats are the epitome of this idea. When we take unhurried time to deeply connect with ourselves, we learn how to respond intentionally to circumstances in our lives, rather than lash out reactivity. This skill is invaluable when it comes to building relationships. Rather than take self-sabotaging or relationship-ending actions when hurt by a friend, seize mindful control over your actions and respond in a way that is consistent with your values and desires. Silent retreats are a chance for us to develop this valuable skill in a low-stakes, teacher-guided environment.
Upcoming Silent Retreat in Jan 2025 / MBSR Teachers Training Intensive 2025
If the idea of a silent retreat resonates with you and the circumstances allow, you may want to consider joining a 5-day silent retreat in January – a wonderful gift you can perhaps offer yourself in the new year! This retreat will be co-taught by me and my teacher, Patrick Kearney, in the stunning surroundings of North Bali. The offering will seamlessly blend traditional and contemporary mindfulness techniques, creating a holistic experience. So far, we have an international mix of participants from five countries, coming from as far as North America. We have limited capacity for certain room types. You may wish to consider applying early if you have a strong preference for certain room types.
